Hikaru's Inferno
by Dagas Isa
Summary: A parody of Dante's Inferno using various anime characters. Hikaru from Magic Knight Rayearth stars. Read and review please.
1. Canto 0: Introduction and Note on Anime ...

Hikaru's Inferno

By: Chibigenius

Introduction/Notes on Allusions:

General Information: This is a story based loosely on Dante's Inferno, using anime characters in place of Middle Age Italian political figures. I've used characters from various animes, mostly Magic Knight Rayearth, Fushigi Yuugi, Slayers, Dragon Ball Z, and Sailor Moon, plus a few others which aren't as important. 

Disclaimer: This is a parody, a joke. It has no religious implications whatsoever, and I am not expressing approval/disapproval of any anime character based on their position in the circles of hell. Nor am I condemning or condoning any lifestyle by its inclusion or absence in the circles in hell. 

Reviews: Constructive criticism is welcome, especially regarding writing style, accurate anime character information, and grammar mistakes/typos. Compliments are also welcome. ^_^ I hope somebody likes it. Though I will finish this regardless of the amount of reviews, I do have other writing projects I need work on (plus some AP courses). The more reviews I get, the faster I'll update. Please enjoy. Thanks and I'll shut up now. 

Allusions:

The Hero: Hikaru from Magic Knight Rayearth   
The Voice of Human Reason: Princess Shiina from Shinesmen   
The Seiyuu (voice actress) of Divine Love: Shiina Hekiru (voice actress for the two above characters)   
The Other Virtuous Seiyuu: Tange Sakura, Hayashibara Megumi, Takayama Minami

The Gatekeeper: Xellos from Slayers   
The Gift Shop Owner: Chichiri from Fushigi Yuugi   
The Ferryman of the River Manga: Inu-Yasha from Inu-Yasha   
The Guard between Upper and Lower Hell: Chibiusa from Sailor Moon   
The Angel: Guru Cleft with Mokona from Magic Knight Rayearth. 

Circle One: Chiriko and Mitsukake from Fushigi Yuugi, girl at door/anime extra from any anime. 

Circle Two: Princess Shiina from Shinesmen, Amelia and Gourry from Slayers, Mihoshi from Tenchi Muyou. 

Circle Three: Hotohori from Fushigi Yuugi, Hercule/Mr. Satan from Dragon Ball Z, Rei from Sailor Moon. 

Circle Four: Usagi from Sailor Moon, Miaka from Fushigi Yuugi, Goku from Dragon Ball Z, Naga from Slayers. 

Circle Five: Nuriko from Fushigi Yuugi, Ranma from Ranma ½, Haruka and the Starlights from Sailor Moon. 

Circle Six: Yuusuke and Kuwabara from Yu Yu Hakusho, Lina Inverse from Slayers, Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z, Ashitare from Fushigi Yuugi. 

Circle Seven: Fuuma from X, Valgarv from Slayers, Yui and Nakago from Fushigi Yuugi

Circle Eight: Chichi from Dragon Ball Z, The Kutou Emperor from Fushigi Yuugi, Yuusuke's Mother from Yu Yu Hakusho. 

Circle Nine: Hellmaster from Slayers, Beryl from Sailor Moon, any major villain from any anime series who is not redeemed in the end. 

The Center: Lord of Nightmares from Slayers. 

Note on The Inferno: 

The original Inferno (Dante's) was written in the fourteenth century as part of the Divine Comedy, the particular translation I'm referring to was done by John Ciardi. In this parody I use the nine circles of hell plus the center plus another area just within the gate that really isn't part of the whole thing. Hikaru's journey essentially follows the same path as Dante's journey in the original. And I've kept the line divisions the same just for visual effect. 

However, I did change quite a few things from the original (other than inserting anime characters in place of politicians and mythological figures). My circles are not the same as Dante's nor did I actually use a rhyme scheme. And no, I do not plan on making mine thirty-four cantos (chapters essentially) long. 


	2. Canto I: The Television that Went Haywir...

Canto I: The Television that went Haywire 

Midway during my favorite anime, just as the commercials ended   
The television grew snowy and the channels went haywire  
Until they ended in a dark channel of terrible anime cliches. 

Cancellation could not possibly be worse than that place,   
(Okay, it might be, but that's scarcely the point)   
But, since everything turned out cool, I'll tell the story of what I saw there. 

Why me? Never have strayed from the ideal of the anime character.   
Perhaps a little too cutesy and childish sometimes  
But never so bad as those on the dark channel of terrible anime cliches. 

The reception grew crazy again, and between the images of the dark channel  
The flickering impression of a joyous show  
On which all anime characters of singular likeability and virtue appeared. 

Though the screen still remained on the cursed images,   
The sight of such a glorious show captivated my attention  
And gave me the strength to get up and do something. 

With great determination did I rise from the couch  
Intent on fixing those rabbit ears (my television's old)   
So as to get reception of that show of glory. 

Within arm's reach did I get to those antennae,   
When in front of me were two horrible creatures,   
One resembling a bloated cream puff and the other a sparkling rodent, 

Blocked my way. No matter which way I turn would none of them  
Let me pass and make those adjustments so desired.   
Their annoying noises driving my hands to my ears and leaving me in immobile stupor. 

In this agonized state did I prepare to run back to my couch  
As the fearsome beasts circled around me  
Driving me crazy with their noises

And I would have done this but that a cloud of pink smoke  
Behind me poofed into existence.   
From the dying remains did appear the weirdest looking girl I have ever seen. 

At the sight of this blue haired princess  
Dressed in garb that shall hopefully never be in fashion  
I cried: "Have mercy upon me, whatever the heck you are!" 

As if not hearing my words, the visitor made a dramatic pose upon my couch.   
Her head high and her hands upon her hips she called out:   
"From the reaches of the second circle of hell and with a divine purpose

The Princess Shiina has arrived." Noticing me for the first time, she continued,   
"I'm the voice of human reason sent to guide you.   
Aren't you going to bow or something?" 

Something such as this, mine eyes had never seen.   
As such, they grew larger than those of an anime child  
And stared in an unbecoming manner at the stranger. 

Finally, my tongue found its motion and the speech bubbles  
Above my head came into form.   
"Excuse me, do you think you can help me through those creatures? 

For I want to adjust the antenna and reach   
the show of virtuous and likeable anime characters."   
I asked of her. Puzzled, she looked at me. 

Remembering some script, she posed again.   
"I'm sorry, my friend, that way is closed to you.   
To surpass those beasts of character flaws and ill deeds, 

Another way must be taken. Come on and follow me.   
I will be your guide through the place of eternal pain  
(ouch, that doesn't sound really fun at all). 

And through a flaming VCR tape of those to be cleansed of  
shortcomings to join those likeable and virtuous and on the  
network of joy. Whichever channel that is.

If it be your wish to appear on that channel  
I suppose someone else must guide you  
For the Great Network Exec has banned me." 

To her I replied: "Princess, by the Great Network Exec unknown to you  
lead me this way. Despite my concern of your reasoning abilities,   
be my guide through this sad channel of anime Hell and bring me to Heaven's gate." 

And she then: "Come on. We don't have an eternity you know."   
She moved on, and, praying I could find a map, I followed. 

End of Canto I


	3. Canto II: The Descent

Canto II: The Descent

(Note: seiyuu are voice actors/actresses) 

My anime was ending. The smell of dinner drew away   
All the children calling them to the table  
From their televisions, as I, one anime character

Prepared myself to face the double plotline  
of the journey and the insanity, which memory  
Shall here broadcast, without commercials, without news briefs. 

Oh Rayearth! Oh Celes! Be my aid!   
Oh Windam, generously on loan from Fuu-chan  
Here shall your true powers be tested! 

Thus I began: "Princess, you whom I am reluctantly allowing to guide me,   
Before I take one more step towards that television screen you point me to  
Look at me and think about it for a bit – Why me?" 

"I'm kind of getting the impression from your words and that look in your eyes,"   
That anime fashion victim ghost answered me,   
"You don't really believe that I can actually lead you through that channel

"Well let me just tell you something (and she did one of those superhero poses)   
Of why I'm here, and just who sent me  
Perhaps then you will believe me that I am the one to guide you on your journey

I was a character within the circle of the ditzes , when one of the seiyuu,   
Yours and mine actually, with such a familiar voice, I thought she was just in my head  
to order and command my will, called to me

Her eyes were small and Asian slanted typical of the so-called 'real world'  
Her voice reached through me, happy, energetic, and famous  
The sound of my own voice, music of its own: 

'O princess Shiina, whom the animators named for me  
In their regretfully too short OVA that shall remain only an hour long  
Till some fan-fiction writer decides to take action and finish it

She who was my biggest and most well known role, has strayed  
Unto the wrong channel and sits on the couch beset  
By such corny clichés that she buries her face into a pillow

Away from the principles of good characterization, and news of her on the Divine Channel  
Rumors my dread that she has already been denied a time slot  
I come, afraid that I might have already missed the pilot. 

Go to her and with your cotton candy logic  
And with whatever useless powers need be for her good  
And role's salvation, help her. 

It is I, Shiina Hekiru, who send you to her.   
I come from the height of the seiyuu. When amid the animators  
I stand again before the Great Network Exec, a tribute special shall be given to you.' 

When she finished, I began: 'O great seiyuu who gives me voice,   
I suppose that there's nothing better to do but to watch cartoons  
So I shall fulfill this command and have myself a great adventure!' 

The divine seiyuu smiled down upon me 'Go then, have your adventure,   
Let Hikaru know of the concerned held for her by the three blessed seiyuu:   
Sakura of the Blossoms, Megumi of the Fireballs, and Minami of the Music.' 

She spoke and moved with such genkiness (made up word for vigor),   
That the sparkles over her head inspired me to move faster. So I came  
And distracted you from the pocket creatures that blocked your way." 

Despite the whole improbability of the situation,   
It was too crazy to be false (and she was probably too dumb to lie anyway),   
So I went along anyway. Thus I began: 

Who am I to disagree with the one who gave me voice,   
And though I am still doubtful of your ability to guide me  
Of respect to her and on fear of cancellation

I shall follow you without too many side comments  
So My Guide! Princess! Fashion Victim! Let's go:   
And maybe together we shall manage to get through this without too much damage." 

She turned at that, and through the puzzled parted pocket creatures  
We walked towards that television screen and allowed ourselves to be sucked in. 

End of Canto II


	4. Canto III: The Gift Shop of Hell

Canto III: The Gift Shop of Hell

(Note: bishounen is a term for a cute guy)

I am the way into the channel that cannot be changed.  
I am the way to those eternally suffering characters.  
I am the way into fan-fictionally severe torments.

Sacred creativity moved my animator.  
I was raised here by divinely wonderful artists.  
Conscientious writers and ultimate fandom.

Only those stations that existed in the 1950s  
Were made before me, and beyond the 1950s I stand.  
Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

These mysteries I read flashed across my TV screen  
In across a background of green. And turning I said, "Princess,  
What is the meaning of this nonsensical flashing text."

And she then, as one whose elevator does not go to the top floor:  
"This is the place I told to expect. Here you shall meet monsters  
And demons and fallen anime characters, of course."

So saying, she conjured a glowing green square,  
And with a grand and over-the top gesture  
She motioned me through the screen of glass.

Here registers, and store bells, and announcements  
Rang between my ears, making my head long for aspirin.  
Racks of t-shirts, sweatshirts, and keychains waited

For some unsuspecting tourist to purchase them. Salespeople,  
Attentive and pushy descended upon us. And I,  
Wondering why I only had a mild headache, cried: "Souvenir Salesman,

What tourists come to this place that a gift shop is necessary?"  
And the blue mohawked man to me: "These gifts are for those  
Who, like yourself, venture through this place as an animated drawing, no da.

They come here, with the hopes of finding something  
Such as a brochure or map to guide them through this place,  
And of picking up a reminder of the few less unpleasant memories, no da." And I:

"Salesperson, what yen does it cost to purchase one of these maps  
So that I might know my way through this pit?"  
"We only take American currency, no da," he answered me,

"But with a calculator and the currency exchange rate  
(Of 124.58 yen to the dollar) plus a special exception  
622 yen and a 100 yen fee I will gladly take, no da."

My guide spoke then, "You who have me for a guide  
Do not need a map such as this to find your way (she could not be serious)  
By the way, how much does this sparkling rodent keychain cost?"

I saw an opportunity there upon that novelty keychain  
beckoning and beckoning Princess Shiina from my map  
So I went on to another register to make my purchase.

Then moving outward after making our purchases  
I made out a simulated crowd assembled on the margins of a paper river  
Whereupon I turned to her (my guide): "Princess,

"For what purpose do these shreds of characters (for that was what they were)  
wait so eagerly to cross this dreaded river as they seem to be? Is the ferryman  
of this river a bishounen?" At which the princess replied:

"Just be patient, all will be explained when we stand  
Upon the glossy cover of the river Manga." And, I,  
Quite doubting this contacted my map for information.

There, steering towards us in a state-of-the-art jet ski  
came a young half-demon with dog ears protruding from his white hair  
bellowing: "Why must it be I who ferries all these people across the river? Now hurry

Up and get in. I lead you to the other shore   
Into the eternal channel of suffering.  
But I have better things to do with my time.

And you, who are not yet dead, by another way  
Shall you cross the river. A monorail or other tourist  
type mode of transportation must give you passage."

And my guide to him: "Inu-Yasha, don't be so mean.  
I have orders from above to bring her in this way,  
And who are we to argue with Those Who Give Us Voices."

The driver of the jet-ski which ferried the souls across the paper river Manga  
Whose eyes reflected the golden glow of my own Hikari's.  
Stifled the urge to procure the sword his hand rested near.

"Now, Hikaru-chan," the OVA princess said to me,  
"None of the characters who have been condemned for their cliches care  
About such things as bishounen. Though, he is rather cute now that I think about it."

When she had spoken, all the craziness of the past hour  
Came upon me then, in a single state of overwhelm. And my  
Sugar high and genkiness left me. Tired

As one who has stayed up until all hours trying to finish one's homework,  
My eyes drooped and the Z's started floating over my head.

End of Canto III


End file.
